Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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