Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
