My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize