I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
