you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
