Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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