So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wish you could order shots online.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
