Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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