just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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