I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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