Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
