I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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