Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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