alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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