he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
