I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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