dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
