And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
