can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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