at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
