Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
