we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
