smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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