Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
