I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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