Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
