Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
