The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's always time for handjobs
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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