tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
