Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
