My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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