I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
