Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
