its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
