so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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