Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
