Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
