if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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