I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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