He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
