apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
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i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
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Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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