Pants 0. Shit 1.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
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i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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