I just pynch a tree in the face
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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