who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
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why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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