This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.