its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
