make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
