Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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