I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
