he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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