Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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