also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
