I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Say something about gay babies.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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