Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
