i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
