can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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